One year ago this week, my life was turned up on edge and shaken around a few times. It has changed the course of my life and I am the better for it.
For the better part of 13 years, I have been leading worship as a volunteer through music and arts in local churches. Over these years I have had the growing feeling that God was calling me to full-time ministry. I eventually went back to school to get a degree in Christian Ministries and will eventually obtain my bachelors in Biblical Studies. My passion for full-time ministry dwarfs almost everything else in my life except my love for God, my wife and my boys. I currently serve on staff part-time as the worship and arts director at a local church, and have been there for almost 4 years. I enjoy very much what do when I am able to do it, and am blessed to have made so many friends and built so many relationships there. I also work full-time as a welder at a local welding shop, so balancing church and work, family and school has me very busy.
I spend countless hours buried in the basement office doing homework, planning services, practicing songs, goal setting and keeping up communications with those I need to direct and stay in contact with, not to mention doing all my schooling online. I love what I do for the Kingdom, I really do, so much so that I am willing to uproot my family and move to where ever God leads us next. I believe to the core of my being that God has been preparing us for the great things He has in store for me and my family, and one of the things I am learning, very painfully, is that my timing is not His timing.
Last June in 2009, I served as the Executive Producer for our denominations National Conference. During the conference, I met the pastor of a church from another part of the country who liked the job I did during the conference. He mentioned to my wife how he was going to be looking for someone to do that for his church on a weekly basis. One thing led to another and within a few months he and I were talking more specifically about it via email and facebook.
Fast forward 7 months to February 2010, and we are making our first trip out to visit the church, see the town and the people; and get a feel for if we think we could raise our family there and live in that part of the country while serving on staff full-time. We enjoyed our trip very much, and we were very excited for what the future might hold. We had spoken about making several more trips out to visit as well as taking our boys for a vacation there. Fast forward another 2 months to April 2010. The economy had been in the tank and it finally caught up with the church. Behind budget and looking at cutting staff, it didn't seem feasible for a new position to be put into the budget.
At this point Lisa and I are asking each other questions like, "why did things go this far only to be put on hold?" "are we putting all our eggs in one basket?" "should we be looking in other places as well for full-time ministry to see if God might have something else in mind?" We figured that if we tested waters else where, and all the doors were shut, then we were to wait for this other church and for God's timing there.
So I applied at several churches that had positions open that matched my skill sets, passions and desires for ministry. Everyone of them came back as a closed door. That process felt good in terms of having some confirmation one way or the other. So it became evident to me that God wanted us to wait on something.To some this process appeared like I was trying to change my situation and run ahead of God, pouncing on every opportunity that came my way in hopes that it would provide happiness or answers. What they didn't understand is that it was a process that I had to go through, it was prayed about, it was on purpose and not a flight from things as they were, but a way to purge all other options, also to make sure I wasn't looking at things with mono-vision.
So where are we now? Same place I was when I started this process, waiting on God. I'm OK with that. Sometimes I feel mad at God for not yet allowing me to be in full-time ministry doing what I love, what I am passionate about. And I get jealous when my school buddies get hired into the church full-time, but at the same time, I feel so very happy for them, because they feel what I feel. I wonder at times if I will ever get the opportunity to serve in that capacity. It causes questions of doubt in my mind as to what God's plans are for my life. I dream about how I could be spending my time meeting with people and talking to them about God's love for them, setting up creative services for the weekend, creating new and fresh ways to convey the Gospel to the community and change the world with the message of Jesus Christ. Am I wrong to feel this way? Am I wrong to want this in my life?
I know the answer, it's been stamped in my head...God's will, God's timing is perfect. I know that, I believe that, and I wouldn't want it any other and this is why. I know that if God sends me somewhere and I go, then He will resource everything I need to accomplish the mission He has given me. He will give me everything I need both physically, mentally and spiritually. I believe that, so I guess my prayer tonight is, God please help me in my unbelief. Help me to trust in you more, to know that you are working and I just don't see it. You know what's best for our life and I don't need to know right now, I just need to know that you are God, you are good, and your way is the best way.
Waiting isn't my strong suit, but I do love and need to learn how to serve more humbly and lead more effectively. I decided that while waiting on God and his timing, I can at least learn more about leadership, teaching and music, and all the other areas of ministry I enjoy. Therefore; we decided that we will leave where we are serving now, and I will place myself under leadership and folks who have been where I am, and have gone where I would like to go. I have prayed for wisdom and sought wisdom from Godly men whom I respect and trust about this decision, and it seems like a wise move both in terms of ministry and career. I have no doubt that this new chapter in our lives will stretch us and allow us to grow even more. I am excited about what the future might hold. I will continue to be prepared in and out of season and available to God to use as He pleases. Here am I, send me!
Psalm 86:11-12
"Teach me Your way O LORD, and I will walk in Your truth; grant me purity of heart that I may honor you. I will praise you, O Lord my God, with all my heart; I will glorify Your name forever"
